Science Settles: Bette vs. Barbara

I knew this would happen one day. Deep down in the pit of my guts, I knew that some where, some time, it would have to be done. I can put it off no more! Here is that somewhere, and now is that sometime!

As a mere spectator of old movies, I wouldn't have any problem saying that Barbara Stanwyck bests Bette Davis. But as a cartoonist and amateur scientific observer of humanity, I feel a strong sense of obligation to illustrate and justify my position.

"But wait!", you might be thinking to yourself, "Why does one have to be better than the other? Can't you appreciate them both for their uniqueness in what they have to offer?" My answer to you is this: you miss the point entirely! By analyzing these two giants with pure science, we are better able to prove logically and methodically which one possessed the largest quantities of skill, charm and greatness.

(Unfortunately, I am not as well versed in Bette's movies as I am with Barbara's, so there will have to be a slight margin of error figured into this study.)

Don't get me wrong about Bette, she was a fine actress, one of the very best. Even early in her career, she was a hot tamale with an amazing capacity for raw emotional explosion. Look at this scene from the 1934 movie, "Of Human Bondage", where she chews up and spits out this poor sucker who was unfortunate enough to be snared in her web of sin and deceit:



For comparison, here is Barbara in the 1931 film "The Miracle Woman", building up to a volcanic eruption of seething hatred and contempt for the church full of armchair Christians. I know you've seen this clip before, but watch it again, for SCIENCE:



Superficially, you might say that Bette's and Barbara's "emotional outburst" scenes were not altogether different from each other. Not so! As packed with power and disgust as Bette's tongue-lashing is in the first clip, it is also on the hammy and theatrical side. This is a performance and you know it's supposed to be a performance, and that's not a bad thing. In fact, I'd shell out money to see acting as good as this, from any modern movie or TV star.

In Barbara's clip, you can see that she is trying to control the urge to blow her top at the flock of hypocrites who caused her father's death. The longer she keeps the lid on, the more steam builds up. She is going along pretty good until she hits a word that loosens her hinges, and then she goes berserk. But she does this naturally and with undiluted sincerity, so much so that it looks like she really is flying off the handle at these people. By the end, she is in tears, and they are among the most realistic tears anybody ever shed in a moving picture. Bette was good, but not this good.

In conclusion, science has proven that even though Bette Davis was a powerhouse who could outplay almost anybody, Barbara Stanwyck gave us honesty and humanity the likes of which have yet to be topped. Thanks, science!